7/3/11

So this week has been especially hard. Actually I don't even know why I say that because most of the time I feel like every week is especially hard or even every day. Tomorrow will be the 4th of July. I can't believe Maggie isn't here to celebrate with us. Last year was her first year being able to enjoy and see fireworks. Oh how I miss her so much! I wish I could just hold her and snuggle her while she watches fireworks. Watching her run around with the other kids holding her glow sticks.

I get so angry because sometimes if feels like other people are forgetting her. I sometimes wish I could just stay inside all day and never talk to anyone ever again. I know people are getting tired and even annoyed that I continue to talk about how much I miss her and love her and wish that she was here with me. What else am I suppose to say or do? This is just how I feel all the time. It hurts so much.

I wish I could be with her, I mean I wouldn't go and do anything to hurt myself because I want to be with her and even though I am not a religious person I do believe that if you were to kill yourself it would not be a good thing when you pass. I don't know but thats just what I believe. So even though I would not hurt myself I would be okay if something happened to me. I do love my kids and Sean and would much prefer all of us to go together but at this point I feel like I would take whatever I could get. I know this may sound weird but I know I am not the only one who has lost a child that feels this way. Seriously I really love my family to pieces but the kids would still have Sean if something happened to me and he is a great dad. Maggie is all alone and I don't know I just feel like I need to be with her. Whatever happens will happen. I know it can be selfish thinking but that is how I am feeling right now and this is why I started this other blog so that I can be honest about how it feels to lose a child.

Why does this have to hurt so much? There is so much on my mind and its hard to sort through. Each day is such a struggle and as this time without her continues it is only getting more difficult.

These are just some of the feelings of missing Maggie.



Happy 4th of July sweet Maggie!! Wish you could be here to celebrate with us!! I love you so much!! Please stay close. xxooxxooxxoo

6/26/11

So I decided to have a place where I can write all of my feelings about losing Maggie and missing her so much. I feel like I can write some on my other blog but I feel like I can only post so much there. Here I can write all I want because this is what this blog is all about. I hope people who have lost a child can maybe relate to what I am saying like I have with other peoples blogs that I have read. Anyway I felt like there is no better time than now to start this blog on Maggies four month passing anniversary.

Today has been a hard day and its a little strange because I'm not sure if its just a timer that is internal or if its more like I know that this is her anniversary so I feel like I'm struggling more. Either way this day has been extremely hard. Some days are harder than others to look at pictures of her and today has been a very hard day. I just can't believe she is gone. I feel scared that I am slowly forgetting some things about her and I don't want that to happen. I miss her like crazy and sometimes I just feel like she just has to come back. Somedays I have more to say than others. Today I just feel sad and I'm not really sure how I'm going to be able to live. I know people say that I have already made it four months but that is such a short time of a lifetime. However then I argue that four months seems like forever since I have held and kissed my baby girl. I miss her so so much! Things have no gotten any easier, if anything they have gotten harder. I know everyone grieves differentely so I try not to have expectations of how this is going to go. I try to feel what I need to feel even though it can be difficult at times. The physical pain that I feel of my heart feeling like its being ripped from my chest can bring me to my knees. I could have never prepared myself for this or imagined how painful it would be once she was gone.

Sorry my posts might be all over the place. Everything feels like its going to explode that I sometimes need to take a few minutes to think it out. Maybe in a couple of days I will start to feel okay for a bit. Its all about the crappy wave, or rollercoaster of emotions, or just whatever you want to call it. Its exhausting.


Love you more than ever Mags! Miss you so MUCH!