So this week has been especially hard. Actually I don't even know why I say that because most of the time I feel like every week is especially hard or even every day. Tomorrow will be the 4th of July. I can't believe Maggie isn't here to celebrate with us. Last year was her first year being able to enjoy and see fireworks. Oh how I miss her so much! I wish I could just hold her and snuggle her while she watches fireworks. Watching her run around with the other kids holding her glow sticks.
I get so angry because sometimes if feels like other people are forgetting her. I sometimes wish I could just stay inside all day and never talk to anyone ever again. I know people are getting tired and even annoyed that I continue to talk about how much I miss her and love her and wish that she was here with me. What else am I suppose to say or do? This is just how I feel all the time. It hurts so much.
I wish I could be with her, I mean I wouldn't go and do anything to hurt myself because I want to be with her and even though I am not a religious person I do believe that if you were to kill yourself it would not be a good thing when you pass. I don't know but thats just what I believe. So even though I would not hurt myself I would be okay if something happened to me. I do love my kids and Sean and would much prefer all of us to go together but at this point I feel like I would take whatever I could get. I know this may sound weird but I know I am not the only one who has lost a child that feels this way. Seriously I really love my family to pieces but the kids would still have Sean if something happened to me and he is a great dad. Maggie is all alone and I don't know I just feel like I need to be with her. Whatever happens will happen. I know it can be selfish thinking but that is how I am feeling right now and this is why I started this other blog so that I can be honest about how it feels to lose a child.
Why does this have to hurt so much? There is so much on my mind and its hard to sort through. Each day is such a struggle and as this time without her continues it is only getting more difficult.
These are just some of the feelings of missing Maggie.
Happy 4th of July sweet Maggie!! Wish you could be here to celebrate with us!! I love you so much!! Please stay close. xxooxxooxxoo
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